by Maryellen P. Mullin Fong, LMFT

As any parent, educator or child counselor can tell you, children enjoy short, catchy and true phrases. However, in the heat of an emotional moment, it is hard to retrieve what we want to say. So, we often “do” before thinking.   

In addition to learning academics at school these days, children are taught relationship skills, which are known as “social-emotional learning or SEL.” New research reveals that self-control is a better predictor of success than intelligence. 

We need to acquire SEL skills to be successful adults. These skills include: developing self-control by learning to manage emotions, feeling empathy for self and others, having positive relationships, making responsible decisions, setting and achieving positive goals. There are many places where these skills are learned: school, home, church, after-school programs, clubs and organizations. Learning and maintaining SEL skills requires years of practice to build and takes effort maintain it, for kids and adults!

Recently, I met with a colleague, to provide consultation for implementation of a social-emotional program (SEL) called, Kimochis®, in an after-school program. One Kimochis® tool is called a “kotowaza,” a Japanese word meaning proverb or wise saying. Proverbs are universal across cultures, providing a truth or wisdom.  

The Kimochis® Kotowaza for the emotion mad is, “It’s okay to be mad, but it is not okay to be mean.” Memorize this phrase. It can be used to coach a child during a difficult moment when you perceive anger is coming out aggressively. This type of proverb validates the child’s feeling, sets a limit and gives a behavior expectation in a non-shaming way. 

Importantly, this communication tool can be taught to children to use when responding to peers in social situations, such as on the playground. Other tools in the Kimochis® curriculum teach how to regulate tone of voice and body language, in order to communicate helpful words, instead of hurtful words, in challenging social situations. 

My colleague posed a question about how to address to a child who dominates play, insisting that play always follow the child’s way. The intention of using a proverb or “kotowaza” is to respond without causing embarrassment or shame to the child. Children can be sensitive to correction, so finding a way to generalize something with a proverb can help move everyone forward. The proverb needs to be an encouraging reminder, which helps to teach sharing instead of scolding, when sharing is not being practiced. Modeling the approach of the Kimochis® program, I suggested that we invent a proverb. After brainstorming, we agreed on this proverb: “When it always has to be your way, no one wants to play.” 

Before using a new phrase, teach it to the children.  A teacher, as well as a parent or caregiver, can do this. Set up a time to rehearse a new proverb with children. Explain what it means. Role-play it. Tell the children that you will say this proverb when you see sharing is not happening. Brainstorm and role-play what the children can do or say when they hear the proverb used. For example, an effective response may be teaching kids to say, “Oops, sorry, we will share.” To figure out a fair way to problem-solve taking turns, former students liked to use “Rock, Paper, Scissors / Ro, Sham, Bo.” 

When you do see a situation warranting intervention, coach by using your proverb! This strategy usually provides a more positive result rather than saying something like, “You need to share,” or “Stop doing that,” or “Why can’t you get along?” 

This tool can be used for older children. I run a girls group for adolescents. We had a conversation about how when someone says something hurtful, an impulse is to say it right back! The girls came up with the proverb: When you feel like doing “tit for tat,” stop and think; you can be better than that. This group ran for three years, and this phrase stuck like glue.   The girls took a lot of pride in inventing the proverb, saying it helped them walk away or ignore someone’s teasing.

When coaching children, we need to have the mindset of teaching and re-teaching. A catchy phrase is easy to retrieve and can be effective in a messy moment. So, whether you borrow or make-up your own proverb to support a messy situation or emotional moment, prepare by memorizing a few to add to your “coaching” toolbox to support children. Have fun! 

This article was published by Psyched in San Francisco Magazine on 12/5/2016. ​

It is back-to-school after spring break, for so many students this time of year! Children's feelings can be raw leading up to the first day of school, with stomach butterflies and nervous feelings anticipating new changes, routines and social situations. ​

What can parents do to support children in the transition back to the classroom and after school programs? It's important to listen to your child's feelings and help them get specific about what is causing a nervous feeling. Some examples include: 

-being left out
-having argument with a friend or sibling
-loss of a friendship.

Left out is a feeling that most children experience at some point, leading to feelings of rejection. To help a child who has been left out, or is dealing with some other rejection, it's important to help them:

1) name the feeling(s) and then 
2) put words to why the feeling is happening. 
3) and then, brainstorm together ways that child can problem solve

When teaching your child to problem solve, think of choices they have, then encourage them to select a choice to resolve the problem, try it and see what changes about how they feel. Check to see with them, did it solve the problem? If not, encourage them to pick and try a different choice. 

When parents teach children how to bounce back through problem solving, children can move forward through rejection, to a place of understanding of self, to feel empowered, and to move on. This builds resiliency! 

When should a parent step-in versus take a back seat?  
Parents can help a child co-regulate. Calming down can succeed with parental support. The parent's role is  to help name the upsetting feeling and listen with curiosity. These strategies lead to drawing out from the child what is going on. Parents can listen with empathy and help emotionally coach that child, without prescribing the solution for them.  Ultimately, parents take a back seat when their child is bouncing back, and moving forward in a good direction. 

How can parents help children learn that rejection (a hard-to-have feeling) is part of life (and how to learn from it)? 

When the incident has passed, parents can reflect to that child: how they were able to handle a feeling of being left out or rejected, and ask them, what did they learn? 
​
Support your child's personal understanding and insight by validating it. How? Simply reflect what they have said about what they learned. Use their words. Children are capable of deep insight and self-reflection, if we as adults, slow down and take the time to listen.

With support and emotion coaching, children can learn to bounce through the most hard-to-have feelings, such as rejection, and learn to move forward with resiliency.

Maryellen P. Mullin, LMFT
Visit www.messyparenting.com to access the free podcast! ​

Parents are their children's first teachers, supporting children in developing self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making skills needed to succeed in school, work, and life. These five skills make up Social-Emotional Learning (SEL).

Parents can teach SEL using many methods. Why do parents need to learn how to be intentional in teaching these skills? The answers may surprise you!

Children who learn self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making skills are more able to:
​

• Understand and manage their emotions. This includes being able to identify their emotions, express them in a healthy way, and cope with difficult emotions and be empathetic.
• Build positive relationships. This includes being able to make friends, resolve conflicts, and cooperate with others.
• Make responsible decisions. This includes being able to weigh the pros and cons of different choices, and make choices that are in their best interest.
• Be successful in school and work. SEL skills can help children succeed in school by improving their attendance, grades, and behavior. They can also help children succeed in work by improving their communication, teamwork, and problem-solving skills.
• Be healthy and happy. SEL skills can help children develop a positive self-image, cope with stress, and make healthy choices.
  
  

While there are many ways to help children develop SEL skills, here are SIX ways you as a parent or caring adult can make a difference! 
​

1. MODEL SEL skills. Children learn by watching the adults in their lives. If you want your child to develop SEL skills, it's important to model those skills yourself. 
2. TALK to and EMPATHIZE with your child's emotions. Help your child understand what different emotions feel like, and how to express them in a healthy way.
3. HELP your child build positive relationships. Encourage your child to make friends, provide opportunities for playdates and help them resolve conflicts peacefully.
4. GIVE your child opportunities to make independent decisions. Start by giving your child small choices, and gradually give them more responsibility as they get older.
5. PRAISE your child's SEL skills. When your child shows SEL skills, be sure to praise them. This will help them feel good about themselves and encourage them to continue using those skills.
6. READ TOGETHER! Use stories to demonstrate through characters, how to connect, identify feelings and illustrate decisions and values. 
   
   

SEL is an important part of a child's development. By helping children develop SEL skills, we can give them the tools they need to succeed in school, work, and life.

Maryellen P. Mullin, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist,  author of two NEW children's books, specifically written to support parents and caring adults teach SEL skills with children.

You can find her books with theses links below:
Puppy and Kitten Find a Family
Madigan and Menina Find Their "Furever" Family

• Plan for time to communicate openly and honestly. This is the foundation of any good relationship. Set aside time for a "walk and talk" or "a sit and chat." Talk to your partner about your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Be honest and use a regulated tone with each other, even when it's difficult.
• Make time to connect. Make time for each other, even when  busy. Set aside 10 minutes a day for an "upload and download," giving each other five minutes of uninterrupted listening! Regularly, go on dates, take walks together, eat lunch alone together or just cuddle on the couch.
• Be supportive of each other. Be there for your partner when they need you. Listen to them when they're going through a tough time. Offer your support and encouragement. Remember to check-in and follow-up. Empathize. 
• Be willing to repair and forgive. Everyone makes mistakes. If your partner does something that hurts you, let them know and offer a repair opportunity. Try to forgive them. Holding on to anger and resentment will only hurt your relationship long term. Address things as they arise and avoid letting things build up. 
• Be patient. Relationships take time to build and grow. Don't expect everything to be perfect all the time. Be patient with each other and with the process of building a strong relationship. It also allows each other to have time to reflect and initiate a repair, if needed. 
• Be grateful. Share appreciations frequently. Let your partner know how something made you feel, such as "I felt supported when you emptied the dishwasher." Or, "When you cooked dinner for us, I felt loved." Let your partner know how much you appreciate them. Gratitude will help to keep your relationship strong and healthy.

Join us for our monthly couples skills workshop, to keep your relationship strong and connected. Learn more here.

Did you know we have a podcast? Listen to learn for five minutes to a new strategy or idea to help raise your children! 

Messy Parenting: Progress Not Perfection® Podcast

I read something recently that described the end of summer as a “down elevator,” an event to dread, or to grieve. The sentiment was that we were losing a valuable opportunity and that we needed to make the most of it before it went away. Sometimes, however, endings are a relief, not filled with nostalgia. Because metaphors can resonate differently for each of us, they often lead to personal reflection.

This got me thinking about one of my own metaphors, a phrase I use in parent coaching: “keep it moving forward." Not long ago, a preschool director colleague reminded me about how my metaphor touched him when I used it in a presentation to his staff. I suggested that this metaphor could be used to help move children out of messy moments. When we get stuck in a confrontational parenting moment, we often find ourselves in a power struggle. The easiest way out is to move the child and yourself forward. 

For example, a child’s emotional level might rise because they are frustrated. A desired goal is to calm the child.  Rather than over-verbalizing the issue or over reacting to the child’s stress, an adult can calm the child by co-regulation. Co-regulation can be done with a child of any age. The adult models calm, by slowing their own breathing, thus reassuring the child nonverbally that they can relax. In doing this co-regulation, slowing the moment, breathing together slowly, an adult helps a child transition from their "downstairs" brain's emotional amygdala reaction to engaging the "upstairs" brain, the frontal cortex, which is capable of understanding language, communicating a need and planning how to move forward. 

Summer is a transition too, and whether or not yours has been enjoyable or mixed or difficult, the forward movement of time is something to embrace, for many reasons. But  before embracing this transition to a new season, maybe there is something in your parenting experience, from the summer, that you want to reflect on, rewind or fast forward through? 
What are your highs and lows, any parenting wins or lessons? How about for your children? Asking them, "What's been memorable for you this summer?" What have you learned and what are you most proud of?  It's a great question for the dinner table or the next car ride, with your loved ones. When your child shares, listen with curiosity. 

Children experience time at a much slower pace than we adults do. Remember when summer lasted “forever?”  When we ran into our neighbor’s daughter last weekend, she shared that she was returning to college the next day. She commented that a month ago, it felt like forever before school was scheduled to restart.  Now, she finds it hard to believe that the car is packed.

Parenting is a lot like summer. We anticipate it, we prepare and plan for it and yet, so many experiences are totally spontaneous or an unknown adventure. Days with newborns can seem excruciatingly slow on difficult days and wonderfully memorable on connected and smooth days. 

Watching children grow and go, is something parents do with mindfulness and with mindlessness. So, as summer moves forward, and you are thinking about buying school supplies, re-starting routines, letting go of older children little by little in middle and high school or seeing your adult children off to college, take a moment to savor your summer moments, as a very important part of the transition to welcome the fall and say goodbye to the summer of 2022. "Move it forward" for yourself and your children when moments get tough. From a place of co-regulation and calm, you can parent your child and yourself, through almost anything.

​Maryellen P. Mullin, LMFT

Because I am Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, owner of Messy Parenting: Progress Not Perfection ®, many of my clients are parents who want to gain better social emotional skills. Their motivation is to use those skills to improve their parenting. Here are a few tips which I teach parents to start on this process.

Build Empathy and Be Positive
Few people seek counseling because they have difficulty managing positive feelings. It is a humbling insight for parents to acknowledge when they need help to control negative feelings. Some parents feel shame, embarrassment or guilt when anger or frustration are not in check. Awareness of those experiences are a first step in learning to relate to their children. Building empathy for a child requires building empathy for one's own challenges. To build empathy and positive perspective back into the parenting relationship, a parent can focus on pointing out everything your kid does right, for at least two weeks. Build your own positive behavior habit; you will feel better when you practice your own positive behavior. That’s right, ignore the negatives with your kid, unless it is unsafe. This is a hard challenge, but you will see outcomes if you commit to it as best you can, then move on to the next step of learning to teach positive behavior habits. 

Use a Mind Trick Reframe
To help parents gain perspective, and manage their own negative reaction when teaching positive behavior changes, I ask them to change the narrative. Frame the situation as a mind trick reframe; to slow down personal reaction time. This is best used when you are upset with a kid. Instant reframe works like this: when triggered, pretend that the kid is not
your own; it's your best friend's kid. What would you say then? All parents respond the same way when asked this questions: "Well, I wouldn't yell." Instead of verbalizing immediately, parents often respond that they would take a step back to think, "What can I say to this kid that would help them understand what is going on?" In this mindset, parents are able to stay connected in order to correct a behavior or address a situation. 

Learn to Talk In Start Behaviors
If parents can stay connected, they can up the odds of working through a problem. If parents want to control their emotions, they need to be like detectives and observe. Think: What is actually going on? What needs to change? What needs to stop? What needs to start? The goal is to reshape a kid's challenging behavior. If you point out what "not to do," you will likely get a negative reaction. However, if you stop to think about what you want that kid to start doing, and say that specifically as a direction, you will help that child start doing the behavior needed. 

What does that look like? Let's say a kid is running in the house and you yell, "Stop running!" Most kids ignore the command because they are used to yelling and are not listening to the instruction. However, if you lower your voice and use a serious tone such as, "Please start walking," there is a good chance that you will see the behavior change. 

Think in two types of behavior: stop and start. When you focus on stop behaviors, you tend to be annoyed and frustrated, and so does your kid. When you focus on start behaviors, you tend to have to stop, think about the action that should be happening and give a direction, rather than a reprimand. Both kids and parents feel better when start behaviors are the focus of the instruction or conversation, it's a positive parenting move that can foster better connection and outcomes.

Maryellen P. Mullin, is an LMFT in California, and founder of San Francisco Family Therapy and Messy Parenting: Progress Not Perfection ®, working with families, couples and individuals.